That's me. I am the man with no friends.
September 2020, I walked out of the religious cult that I grew up in. All my life, I'd spent most of my free time within the temple walls. I didn't have hobbies. My hobbies were going to the temple, singing prayers, playing various instruments, listening to lectures, reading the scriptures, and doing all sorts of services in the temple.
They often stressed on how important it was to be celibate. Men were kept separate from women. And monks were not allowed to talk to women in private. Sex was disgusting, that's what they said. And people who had sex for pleasure, were like animals. Cats and dogs, the founder called them. Members of the cult were told to refrain from associating with outsiders. Outsiders were like demons. Women were less intelligent than men, they said. It's in the scriptures. I've read it. Women were treated inferior. They were denied many services. They couldn't give lectures unless the audience comprised of only women. They couldn't serve in the altar. And during their periods, women were considered as dirty. So much so that any woman who was having her periods could not enter the temple. A woman on her periods could not touch any man or woman. She could not touch any paraphernalia for the Lord. Any man who was touched by a woman on her periods had to take a shower before entering the temple. Y'know I've read similar stuff about women in the Old Testament.
And then there were gurus. Gurus were to be treated the same as God. That means everyone was required to bow down and pay obeisances to the guru. When a guru said something, no one could oppose it. And everyone was required to have a guru. Without a guru, they said, one cannot connect or have a relationship with God. The guru was the medium. He was the connecting link with God.
The problem was, all these gurus had serious problems. They weren't perfect. A guru was supposed to be completely celibate. A sannyasi could not be within 10 feet of any woman. Or something like that. And yet, many of these gurus, many of these sannyasis were having serious problems with celibacy. Some of them were raping little boys in the gurukula (cult school for educating all children), some of them were raping and assaulting women, some of them were having secrets affairs with women, some of them were writing erotic literature and publishing it and selling it within the cult, some of them had been caught watching porn, and some of them were plain fucking nuts. They were kookoo in the head. You know kookoo? Complete bonkers! They belonged in the fucking asylum. Not on the streets preaching to civilians and telling them what to do with their lives. You cannot expect a mad man to give you a good direction in life.
Everything the gurus did was covered by their loyal disciples. The guru is as good as God, they said. So when their dear gurus turned out to be fucking kookoos, they decided to cover up their blunders instead of having an open debate/discussion. Discussions were banned. Guru discussions were regarded as blasphemy. Gurus were only supposed to be praised. If you exposed a guru or insulted a guru, you were kicked out and banned for life. If your wife and children were initiated, your family would inevitably suffer the strain.
So many families were torn apart by the cult. Anyone who wanted to join had to let go of their families.
To top it all off, there was the way some people were treated within the cult. If you agreed to do services, in the long run, they just treated you like some goddamn slave. When you stopped the services, you were no longer useful to them. You became irrelevant. And I suppose that was the same with the donors. If you donated large sums of money to the cult, they treated you like a king. When you ran out of money, you became irrelevant, a fucking nobody.
The thing about life is, everyone's going to grow old and useless. That's just the way it is. You have a productive run in your youth, and a dormant run in your old age. Do you know how old people were treated by the cult? They were shunned and regarded as completely useless. Many of them were kicked out and banished. Imagine spending your entire youth working for the cult, making all those personal sacrifices, enduring all the pain and torture, just to be kicked the fuck out when you grew old. You were old, you had no money, no family, no insurance, no home, no job, nobody to take care of you. You were nothing. Just a burden. A useless bundle of bones that nobody wanted. And if you got sick, and believe me, the chances of that happening are pretty common in old age, you had to resort to begging others or opening a gofundme to take care of your hospital bills. If you got lucky, you managed to find a way; if you were unlucky, you'd probably end up on the streets dying like a bum under some bridge.
I was out of the cult 3 days after they took me for granted. I realized I was nothing to these people - just a work horse who'd become irrelevant the day I was no longer useful. They asked me to join full time, yet they couldn't even give me a clean room to sleep in. The floors were filthy and disgusting. There were rats and cockroaches and lots and lots of mosquitoes. A pile of filthy mattresses were stacked in one corner. Floor was so filthy that when I put my yellow feet on them, I held my leg up and saw my soles had turned filthy brown. The one metal cupboard in the room had cockroaches and grease and filth in it. There were plastic cups of eaten foodstuff strewn everywhere. This was the common room where all the greasemen slept. There were no shelves, no cupboards, no tables; just a few chairs laying around. I had no place to keep the books I'd brought with me, no place to keep my clothes or any of my stuff. So everything I'd brought, remained in the rucksack. The day that I moved in, they kept me waiting for 2 hours, because the manager was on his fucking phone, so I had to sit around like a bugger until he was done.
The reception was an eye opener for me. I knew all the wrong stuff that was going on within the cult, yet somehow I kept pushing forward because they said this was the only path in life. But when I was personally subjected to a little inconvenience, I realized that I had to get the fuck out. I mean, I couldn't deal with this shit.
It's funny how less you care about shit that happens to other people, but when it happens to you, you're like "Oww hell no! Hell to the no no no! Jeeeeeesus! Hell no!"
I knew the day I walked out that life would never be easy henceforth. I'd spent so much of my life within the cult, that I'd never really fit in with the outside world. But I'd made my decision so it was time to walk the hard path.
I must say that I got lucky in that I got all the basics covered soon after leaving the cult; y'know, food, water, a place to kip, internet and so on. Not everyone gets lucky, I'll tell you that. And I've had to work twice as hard to keep my life together. Is it worth is? Based on my principles alone, I'd say yes. I walked out of the cult when I was on the verge of peak performance. Had I stayed and worked things out, I would've become a mega star within the cult. With the right connections and ass kissing, I could've easily alleviated all my problems. But I just wasn't willing to do it.
Which brings me to the next part: ME.
I've got a huge ego. A big fucking ego - that's me. Sky high, like a skyscraper, ego. That's why things in life haven't always been easy for me. I know my self worth. I've got some self respect. And I am completely unwilling to sacrifice my self-esteem for others to just walk all over.
When you combine this with all my other attributes you begin to understand why a lot of people just don't like me. I'm very open-minded, I speak my mind, I talk facts, I don't cover the truth, I don't follow the herd, I don't let anyone boss me around, I ain't got no filters, I don't kiss ass, I don't worship others, I don't give others the superstar status unless they deserve it, I probably won't notice if your feelings are hurt, and when I walk into the room, it's hard not to notice me; I'll steal your thunder, I'll take your spotlight; if you wanna be relevant, you'll have to be better than me.
I'm kind of an asshole, okay? That's what 2 decades of isolation will do to you. You just don't care about people that much. You don't give two shits about what they think of you, because the only thing that really matters, is what you think of yourself.
I have no sense of fashion. My clothes make me look like a time traveler from the 90's. I don't eat out. I only eat food cooked by myself. I don't go to the theatres. I don't eat junk food. I don't like visiting people's homes. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't watch TV. I don't like random shopping sprees. The only purchases I ever make are groceries. I don't care about public holidays. I don't celebrate national holidays. I don't have any patriotism. I'm an anarchist. I'm an anticapitalist. I don't use corporate software. I only use FOSS. I don't use mainstream social networks. I don't care if you think I'm crazy. I don't talk to family/relatives. I don't like my family and relatives. I don't give two fucks about my family or relatives. They're horrible people and I wouldn't even attend their funeral.
Oh, and one more thing: You don't like me? Breaking fucking news: I don't like you! I never liked you!
And that sums up the life of the man with no friends.
It takes a special kind of guy to live a life like this.
I'm a very loyal person. Extremely loyal. I've never forgotten a single nice thing people have done for me. But this loyalty comes at a price. My loyalty has earned me a lot of enemies. And all for nothing. Even the people I was loyal to, abandoned me.
I'm a very disciplined person. Extremely disciplined. I've lived a military regimen. Waking up at 03:00 a.m. in the morning? Working at odd hours? Filling in other people's shifts? I've done it all.
I'm a very competitive person. But competitive as in, I set the bar high. I have broken so many records in my life, it's unbelievable. But I don't look down upon others. I always inspire others. I've always been a hype man. I've always encourage others to do things they wouldn't have tried themselves. I build people. I build their courage and confidence. I'm the guy that sees a diamond in a rock.
I've got a hard outer shell, and a soft mellow heart. I'm very loving and gentle and caring and polite and loyal. But my love isn't a free-for-all buffet. So if you don't think I'm a nice person, well, that's probably 'cause you ain't my lover!
The best thing about having no friends is that I don't have anyone to argue with or bicker with. There are no disagreements. There is no tension. I'm not stressed out. I ain't got nothing to worry about.
The worst thing about having no friends is that I have no one to turn to. When shit hits the fan, I'm alone, all on my own. I've got no support.
But I think maybe I need a girlfriend? More than a friend. However, I don't think anyone would want to fall in love with a guy like me. Maybe in the past? Yeah, I was quite popular. But now I feel like I'm just too blunt and carefree. I think I'm too rough on the edges. And I just can't be arsed to chase after some woman if there's no chance of us ever getting together. Maybe I could make some effort if some girl liked me? Question is, who would want a guy like me? I don't know. I just haven't really connected with any women in a really long time. I was going to become a monk. But now I'm not a monk. So I'm just a guy.
Writing keeps me sane, I think. Since the pandemic struck. I've become more and more isolated. And when I walked out of the cult, I left everyone that was known to me. It's kinda hard to keep pushing through sometimes. I found a couple of online sites where I could pass my time; you know, write something, talk about stuff. This is one of them. And it helps. You write stuff down, your mind becomes empty, You can think of new stuff. I think it's the same with conversations; when you're having a conversation, you talk about stuff, and it relives your mind. If you don't talk about it, it just bugs you all day and robs you of your sleep. So instead of festering your thoughts until they eat you up, it's good to offload some of them.
I think I judge myself quite harshly. I'd like to think I'm a nice and cool person. But we all really know that can't be 100% true. haha.